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ADAR 5766

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MARCH 2006

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News and Op/Ed

Bush: "I Am An Oilaholic"
President Bush reports on the State of the Union Speech (Jan 31, 2006). Seated behind Bush is Vice President Cheney and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL)

President Admits Petroleum Addition, Enters Rehab

One day after claiming that "America is addicted to oil" in his State of the Union address, President Bush stunned the nation by confessing that he was personally battling a petroleum addiction and was entering rehab immediately.

In a nationally televised address from the Oval Office last night, a visibly agitated President Bush began his speech with the following simple statement: "My name is George W. Bush, and I am an oilaholic."

The President, seeming to choke back tears, said that he had thought he was keeping his petroleum habit "under control," but added, "When you start invading other countries to get more oil, you know you've hit bottom."

Mr. Bush's decision to enter rehab for his petroleum addiction drew applause from many quarters, including from James Frey, author of the bestselling memoir "A Million Little Pieces."

"He has a rough road ahead of him in rehab," Mr. Frey said. "I hope that none of the things happen to him that I pretended happened to me."

In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he hoped the United States would wean itself from its dependence on Middle Eastern oil and would gradually become dependent on Middle Eastern nuclear energy instead.

"Iran stands ready and willing to supply the United States with all of the nuclear energy it wants," President Ahmadinehad said. "We have so much of this stuff we don't know what to do with it all."

Elsewhere, in a positive development, the nation of Afghanistan announced that its entire opium harvest had been wiped out by British rock star Pete Doherty. 

Reprinted with the permission of Andy Borowitz